Starting to think about your
death and funeral

Noel Coward once said: "How foolish to think one could ever slam the door in the face of age. Much better to be polite and gracious and ask him to lunch in advance."

I feel rather the same about death. So, rather than put the subject in the bottom drawer and try not to think about it, why not face the fact that all of us are going to pass away sooner or later? So wouldn't it be sensible to start preparing for our own passing? First of all, I'd recommend making a will and making sure there are no surprises! They say that, "When there's a will, there's a war", so it's incredibly important that all your family know exactly who's getting what. And that they also agree with, or at least respect your decision, so that when you do die there won't be some ghastly row.

The big sort out

Next, I'd go through your whole house with a toothcomb and chuck out anything that is superfluous or, indeed, anything that might come as a nasty surprise to your loved ones later. Not only will they find it distressing to shove your old underwear and curling shoes into a bin bag for Age Concern, they may not welcome finding a letter from a secret admirer. Or be pleased to discover you've fathered another child in Peru! Get those skeletons out of your cupboard and throw them on the scrap heap. But remember, although nobody wants to have rooms of boxes to sort through, being in charge of some sorting out after a loved one has gone can be very therapeutic. It can evoke memories and emotions that are all part of the grieving process.

Patching things up

Part of preparing for dying should include trying to make up with anyone you've had a rift with. In a marriage people are always recommended never to sleep on a quarrel. Far worse to die on a quarrel, so, whether you were right or wrong, apologise and try to make amends. You want people to have happy memories of you, not raging, resentful or guilty ones.

If you just can't face doing that, why not write the people concerned an affectionate letter to be sent to them after you've died? That way they will know you thought of them with love, even if you weren't up to meeting them.

And if you have grandchildren who are too small to know you, a letter to them about how you love them and have such hopes for their happy future will never go amiss. Now's the time, too, to write a record of your life and your feelings, so your children won't be left thinking, "If we'd only asked about that when they were alive!"

Funerals

One part of preparing for dying that shouldn't be ignored is your funeral. There are many things you can do to prepare for it. This can include leaving cash in the kitty for your loved ones or even making some of the arrangements in advance, such as having a funeral plan. This can help ease some of the emotional and financial stress your loved ones will be going through.

Although it's great to be organised, your friends and family will probably have personal touches they'd like to include and some people find it a comfort to organise things when someone dies. It can give them a sense of control, a feeling of doing something for the person who's gone and it also gives them something to take their minds off the sadness, so they're not completely overwhelmed.

So even if you've already made some of your funeral plans, there's plenty they can help with. From poring over previously unread Bibles and searching for suitable quotes to making out the guest list and wondering whether to ask an aunt loathed by the deceased, but who would be mortally hurt not to be invited. All of these can be interesting, therapeutic and even sometimes amusing!

Bereavement is a tremendously difficult thing to bear for those left behind, but you can take a lot of the stress out of it by doing a little preparation for your own death and trying to sort out any muddles in advance. It's the last kindly act of a good life.